The Great Baby Debate

My biological clock is ticking.  It's not just an expression, it's very real.  I work with beautiful, cherub-faced little babies on a daily basis, and did long before I had my own babies.  For years, it didn't faze me.  Then one day, I held a newborn in my arms and something switched.  I needed a baby, and tomorrow wasn't too soon. Hormones are powerful things, and mine are on the surge again.

I've always wanted to have a big family, but I'm feeling a little gun-shy now that I'm actually faced with the decision.  I know that I have time (reproductively speaking), but I don't want the age gap between my girls and the hypothetical baby to be too big.  All of my friends with kids have theirs spaced the very typical 2 years apart, but that window has come and gone for us.  If we were to get pregnant now, the girls would be 3 when baby is born. 

This may sound strange, but I feel a bit cheated.  I have my two beautiful children, but I only had one pregnancy, one delivery, one maternity leave, and I only get to go through each stage once.  I know I need to count my blessings, but I'm being honest, and those are a few drawbacks that come with twins.  People often tell me they would love to have twins, because "you get it done and over with all in one shot".  Seriously, I hear this a lot, but I don't share that same mentality.  I really enjoyed my pregnancy, I would love to give birth again, and I don't want this to be the last time I have a two year old in my house.  All of my friends who are off on maternity leave with baby number two get to be home with their toddler for another year as well.  I want another year at home with my girls, which is another reason not to wait too long, or they'll be in school (sniff, sniff).  More than another pregnancy, birth, or maternity leave, most importantly, I want another child. 

But kids are expensive.  Ask anyone, and they'll tell you it doesn't get any cheaper.  Luckily having two babies at once already forced us into the bigger house and the minivan.  We'd need to reassess what's going to be realistic for extra-curricular activities and family vacations.  Maybe those aren't good reasons to not have a child, but we have family in another country.  Plane tickets for five might not be possible very often.  Someone recently told me "the world is designed for families of four".  We do have a good thing going on.  As I mentioned in my last blog, I feel like we've hit our stride.  We've found a nice balance, so why would I want to change it?   It's a bit intimidating to think about.   I've been waiting for a sign, but I'm not sure it's coming.  A friend of mine whose children are grown told me that I'll always grieve the baby I never had.  If we decided to move forward as a family of four, maybe that nagging feeling won't ever go away.  I can see why people have 'oops' pregnancies.  I would kind of like to let the fates decide this one for me.  Maybe I will.