One of the most common questions I get from strangers (once you have twins you get A LOT of questions from strangers) is whether or not my girls have different personalities. I've always found this to be a difficult question to answer. I don't know if it's just because I'm hesitant to label them as being one way or another, or if it's just hard to sum up a person's personality in a few words. The short answer is yes, they do, but it changes all the time depending on the situation. Someone might say to me "she must be the shy one", but in a different scenario that same girl may be singing and dancing and running wild. I once heard a father of twins say that he has one good twin and one evil twin, it just depends on the day which one is which. I thought that was pretty funny.
There are a few things that I'm sure are much more 'nature' than 'nurture'. I remember when I was going through some difficult sleep times, and someone said to me "don't you feel better that it's not what you're doing?" due to the fact that I was using the same strategies with both my girls, and one was a great sleeper while the other wasn't. At the time, it hadn't even occurred to me, because I thought I must have been doing something wrong. Now I know that my 'difficult' sleeper just has different sleep needs than her sister, and to this day that's true. My 'good' sleeper needs more sleep. Period. She naps longer (sometimes an hour or two longer), she sleeps longer at night, she falls asleep faster and easier, and she sleeps more soundly. I think this is intrinsic in her. Her sister is pretty much the opposite. It's not bad, just different. She still thrives, but with less sleep. Some days she goes with no nap at all, and she does fine. At 2, I'm sure she could drop her nap every second day, while I would bet money that her sister will nap until kindergarten (at least).
I would think that some parents of twins would have a difficult time not comparing their kids, especially if their children look very similar or are similar sizes. My girls are as different as you could imagine in looks, so much so that instead of "are they twins?" I often hear (with disbelief) "they're not twins... are they?". My one daughter is brunette, curly-haired, hazel-eyed, and about 7 pounds heavier and 2 inches taller than her twin sister, who is blonde, straight-haired, green-eyed, and teeny tiny. Genetics are a mysterious thing. They shared the same womb, they drank the same breast milk, they eat the same foods, and play in the same environment. It's hard not to compare. They go through every stage together. But one crawled a month earlier, walked a month earlier, and ran and jumped for months before her sister could. Her sister developed her speech more quickly, and was content to sit and flip through books. But they're both doing exactly what they need to be doing. So I'm learning not to compare (or at least not so much), because it only causes me unnecessary stress. I have to remind myself that just because I can compare my kids doesn't mean I should. I often feel guilty (or feel judged) if I brag about something one girl is doing if I don't balance it out with some praise or a cute story about her sister. Maybe all parents share that same feeling. Bottom line is, they are each undoubtedly unique, and I love them (equally) with all my heart.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Twins at Two
My girls turned two about a month ago. For a few days there, I thought they may have also turned terrible, but it passed, like all things do. They're not terrible at all. It may just be me, but I love this age (theirs, not mine). I've loved raising toddlers in general. They are so much fun, and so smart. I find that I enjoy so many things so much more because I'm enjoying it through my children. I have so much fun watching them have fun. Before parenthood, you just can't quite grasp that. You have nieces or nephews, or take care of friends' kids on occasion, but it's not the same. With your own kids, when you've watched them change from sleepy little lumps to smiling, giggling, rolling, waving, clapping, talking little people, when you've put in unthinkable amounts of time and energy to this little person... you help them, you teach them, you practice with them...it's so rewarding to see them learn and experience new things. You see a ladybug for the first time again. You get excited about heavy machinery working on the side of the road, because your kids are excited to see a bulldozer. You can think of no better way to spend a Saturday than a day at the zoo, because you can't wait to see your child's face when they see an elephant up close. You see your child rocking and shushing her little baby doll saying "it's okay baby, shh, shh" and you see yourself. It's incredible.
Some of the things we are working on at age two are potty training (round one didn't take, gearing up for round two), the transition to big-girl beds (has to happen soon, they're ready, I'm not), and the occasional tantrum or biting episode.
I'm feeling pretty relaxed about potty training. I would like it to happen, but I just don't think we're going to be early birds in that department. I'm not going to push it too much, but I will give opportunity (running around bottomless), and encouragement (mini- M&M's), and we'll see how it goes. I've cleaned up a lot of accidents so far, and it can get a little overwhelming, so we'll take it slow. For all of us.
The transition to big girl beds is a necessity. We've had a few incidences of the girls climbing into each others cribs, and even a crib swap one day. For safety, it's necessary, but I was really hoping to keep them contained longer. Sigh. I may have another sleep deprivation blog to write soon. The sleep was nice while it lasted.
The tantrums and biting are manageable. I'm finding distraction to be very good at stopping a tantrum before it starts. Like all kids, when they're rested, fed, and paid attention to, they thrive, so we just try to keep on top of those things. Only one of my girls has done the biting (always to her poor sister), and it's probably happened about 4 or 5 times. I know it's normal, so I'm not freaked out, but it's still unpleasant to deal with. One, because I feel like my child is stressed and can't cope with her feelings and I want to help her. Two, because my other child gets hurt. It sucks. So I'm doing what the books say. Label feelings, be firm, be consistent, pay attention to the hurt child, set them up for success, etc. I think it's all good advice, so I'll keep following it, and I'm sure with time it will improve.
Today, my girls took all of the cushions off of the couches and were jumping on them, saying 'that's awesome!' over and over. I've never heard them say that before, and I have no idea where they heard it. It was awesome. So that's two right now. Every day I think I would love to have another one, so it must be pretty good.
Some of the things we are working on at age two are potty training (round one didn't take, gearing up for round two), the transition to big-girl beds (has to happen soon, they're ready, I'm not), and the occasional tantrum or biting episode.
I'm feeling pretty relaxed about potty training. I would like it to happen, but I just don't think we're going to be early birds in that department. I'm not going to push it too much, but I will give opportunity (running around bottomless), and encouragement (mini- M&M's), and we'll see how it goes. I've cleaned up a lot of accidents so far, and it can get a little overwhelming, so we'll take it slow. For all of us.
The transition to big girl beds is a necessity. We've had a few incidences of the girls climbing into each others cribs, and even a crib swap one day. For safety, it's necessary, but I was really hoping to keep them contained longer. Sigh. I may have another sleep deprivation blog to write soon. The sleep was nice while it lasted.
The tantrums and biting are manageable. I'm finding distraction to be very good at stopping a tantrum before it starts. Like all kids, when they're rested, fed, and paid attention to, they thrive, so we just try to keep on top of those things. Only one of my girls has done the biting (always to her poor sister), and it's probably happened about 4 or 5 times. I know it's normal, so I'm not freaked out, but it's still unpleasant to deal with. One, because I feel like my child is stressed and can't cope with her feelings and I want to help her. Two, because my other child gets hurt. It sucks. So I'm doing what the books say. Label feelings, be firm, be consistent, pay attention to the hurt child, set them up for success, etc. I think it's all good advice, so I'll keep following it, and I'm sure with time it will improve.
Today, my girls took all of the cushions off of the couches and were jumping on them, saying 'that's awesome!' over and over. I've never heard them say that before, and I have no idea where they heard it. It was awesome. So that's two right now. Every day I think I would love to have another one, so it must be pretty good.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sleep in that first year
It's too bad I didn't have energy to blog in that first year home with my babies, or my second year, I guess. Man, time goes by fast (they just turned two). I'm sure I would have had a lot to talk about, but of course the memories are a little foggy now. I know that a lot of my time and energy revolved around trying to get babies to sleep. For at least 8 or 9 months, that was a huge focus. I exclusively breastfed my girls (except for their first feed or two, because of complications from my delivery). Breastfeeding was great, and it was a very positive experience overall. The one drawback was that it meant the nighttime feeding/parenting quickly became my sole responsibility. My husband was helpful for the first few nights, getting us positioned & burping, etc., but once he returned to work I didn't see the point in waking him up to change diapers when I was already awake. It took more time and energy to wake him, so I preferred to just do it myself. I quickly learned what would get me back to sleep the fastest (which led to a few bad habits later on). And so began my saga of chronic, severe sleep deprivation.
The beginning didn't start out too bad. Both girls sorted out the night vs. day thing fairly quickly and would eat quickly and be back asleep (there were a few nights of 3 a.m. rocking sessions, which seemed endless at the time, but I don't think it was many). It was around 4 months or so that I got greedy. They had both had 2 nights of 5-6 hour stretches of sleep, and I wanted more. I had read about this miraculous 'dream feed', where you feed your baby (before you go to bed) to fill their tummy when they're still asleep, and it should help them last until morning. This strategy totally backfired for me. Pretty much immediately, one of my daughters began waking VERY frequently. Like every hour (or less). We struggled with it for months. I tried a few methods halfheartedly to try to sleep train her, but nothing plays with your emotions quite like sleep training your baby. And I was so exhausted I wasn't mentally strong enough to cope with it. If I fed her, I could get back to bed, so that's what I did. Over, and over and over. Every night. It sounds awful, and it really was. Insert another in baby in there who needed to feed once or twice, and it was constant. On a positive note, both girls usually went to bed quite easily at bedtime. I would get a 2 hour stretch from 7 pm to 9 pm, (I didn't go to bed at that time because I just wanted to feel normal and relax without babies). And then at nine, my anxiety would start, my heart would pound and I would dread the night. I'm so sorry if someone is reading this and feeling discouraged. I have to say that if I had followed my babies' cues in the beginning, I think the sleep situation would have been much different. What finally changed it was my mom. Around 8 months or so she volunteered to help me soothe my baby back to sleep without the breast (my husband wanted to let her cry it out, but I couldn't handle it). We spent two nights at my mom's house and she let me sleep while she rocked and soothed my baby through the night. The third and fourth nights were tough, but I rocked her, and shushed her, and patted her bum back to sleep. No more night feedings. She still woke up one or two times a night, for a few more months, but it was nothing in comparison. You become accustomed to waking up, so one or two times was totally manageable. My other daughter, in the midst of all of this, was a very good sleeper. At seven months I moved her into a separate bedroom from her sister, because I didn't think it was fair for her to have to go through sleep training when she didn't need it. I'm sure she would have been that baby that sleeps through the night at 6 or 8 weeks, but because her sister wasn't that baby, it affected her sleep too. Anyways, that was the nighttime sleep.
The daytime was another story. Let's just say that figuring out a baby's sleep pattern is one of the toughest codes to crack. And then it changes, it changes again, and then again. 4 naps, 3 naps, 2 naps, 1 nap. And there's always an awkward in-between time where it's too many or not enough. No one has an answer for this except for your baby, and they're not the best communicators. Are they under-tired? Are they overtired? Are they in pain? What is it? You're tired, why don't you want to sleep? What did I do yesterday that worked and why isn't it working today? These are the thoughts that my days revolved around for months. It took so much time and energy to get my tired babies to sleep, and then the time they slept would be so short, and they'd be overtired. It was such a vicious cycle. I remember the day vividly when both of my daughters went down for a nap at the same time and they slept for almost 2 hours. At the same time. And then they did it again in the afternoon (so did I). They were nine months old when this happened. So for the last 2 months of my maternity leave, I enjoyed some blissful days with happy, rested girls, and I was a happy, rested mommy.
Reading this, I realize how negative it sounds. Sleep deprivation has been the biggest challenge I have dealt with as a parent. But that first year also included countless incredible moments, and I would do it all again.
The beginning didn't start out too bad. Both girls sorted out the night vs. day thing fairly quickly and would eat quickly and be back asleep (there were a few nights of 3 a.m. rocking sessions, which seemed endless at the time, but I don't think it was many). It was around 4 months or so that I got greedy. They had both had 2 nights of 5-6 hour stretches of sleep, and I wanted more. I had read about this miraculous 'dream feed', where you feed your baby (before you go to bed) to fill their tummy when they're still asleep, and it should help them last until morning. This strategy totally backfired for me. Pretty much immediately, one of my daughters began waking VERY frequently. Like every hour (or less). We struggled with it for months. I tried a few methods halfheartedly to try to sleep train her, but nothing plays with your emotions quite like sleep training your baby. And I was so exhausted I wasn't mentally strong enough to cope with it. If I fed her, I could get back to bed, so that's what I did. Over, and over and over. Every night. It sounds awful, and it really was. Insert another in baby in there who needed to feed once or twice, and it was constant. On a positive note, both girls usually went to bed quite easily at bedtime. I would get a 2 hour stretch from 7 pm to 9 pm, (I didn't go to bed at that time because I just wanted to feel normal and relax without babies). And then at nine, my anxiety would start, my heart would pound and I would dread the night. I'm so sorry if someone is reading this and feeling discouraged. I have to say that if I had followed my babies' cues in the beginning, I think the sleep situation would have been much different. What finally changed it was my mom. Around 8 months or so she volunteered to help me soothe my baby back to sleep without the breast (my husband wanted to let her cry it out, but I couldn't handle it). We spent two nights at my mom's house and she let me sleep while she rocked and soothed my baby through the night. The third and fourth nights were tough, but I rocked her, and shushed her, and patted her bum back to sleep. No more night feedings. She still woke up one or two times a night, for a few more months, but it was nothing in comparison. You become accustomed to waking up, so one or two times was totally manageable. My other daughter, in the midst of all of this, was a very good sleeper. At seven months I moved her into a separate bedroom from her sister, because I didn't think it was fair for her to have to go through sleep training when she didn't need it. I'm sure she would have been that baby that sleeps through the night at 6 or 8 weeks, but because her sister wasn't that baby, it affected her sleep too. Anyways, that was the nighttime sleep.
The daytime was another story. Let's just say that figuring out a baby's sleep pattern is one of the toughest codes to crack. And then it changes, it changes again, and then again. 4 naps, 3 naps, 2 naps, 1 nap. And there's always an awkward in-between time where it's too many or not enough. No one has an answer for this except for your baby, and they're not the best communicators. Are they under-tired? Are they overtired? Are they in pain? What is it? You're tired, why don't you want to sleep? What did I do yesterday that worked and why isn't it working today? These are the thoughts that my days revolved around for months. It took so much time and energy to get my tired babies to sleep, and then the time they slept would be so short, and they'd be overtired. It was such a vicious cycle. I remember the day vividly when both of my daughters went down for a nap at the same time and they slept for almost 2 hours. At the same time. And then they did it again in the afternoon (so did I). They were nine months old when this happened. So for the last 2 months of my maternity leave, I enjoyed some blissful days with happy, rested girls, and I was a happy, rested mommy.
Reading this, I realize how negative it sounds. Sleep deprivation has been the biggest challenge I have dealt with as a parent. But that first year also included countless incredible moments, and I would do it all again.
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